Melon Springs, FL – In a deal observers are calling “disruptive,” “groundbreaking” and “lemon-scented,” high-profile wellness startup ICanHazHealth has closed a $10 million investment round on the heels of its recent buzzword upgrade.
Investors participating in ICanHazHealth’s Series B round include Bracelet Capital, Two Right Thumbs LLC and Window Dressing Digital. Few details of the agreements were disclosed, though Bracelet’s Jared Spoon-Monicker told Wired that its investment contract included an agreement to provide buzzword platform to its other portfolio companies. “We’re calling it ‘BaaS’ — buzzwords-as-a service,” said Spoon-Monicker, an early backer of exaggeration engine JIVETalk. “It will be the Uber of monetizing incremental marketing hyperbole.”
Launched in 2010 to tap the emerging market for digital health investment catchwords, the vendor’s BLOviATE platform offers both employer-and consumer-compatible content libraries. “Today, it’s not enough for consumers to use digital health buzzwords,” said ICHH founder P. Foster Bellbottom. “If we want to improve outcomes, we need to increase their level of buzzword engagement.”
The latest iteration of ICHH’s enterprise jargon platform, BLOviATE nACTION, now offers modules supporting several functional areas, including bragging, wishful thinking, puffery, exaggeration, self-deception, embellishment, and hyperbole.
Hospitals and health systems can also opt for a 10-year buzzword maintenance contract which supports BLOviATE deployment over existing SLANG and LinGO databases. However, ICHH won’t be offering distortion upgrades for BLOviATE past 2020, so after that point facilities will need to do their own grandiloquence support.
When asked what they thought of the emerging doubletalk startup’s prospects, analysts noted that ICHH faces several competitors with well-established client bases. Many pointed to iNtercAP, iNc., a niche buzzword developer specializing in novel tech company names, whose customers include Hangzhou No Trouble Looking for Trouble Internet Technologies (usually referred to as HNTLFTIT for short) and connected health giant Slippers and Sonograms.
“The issue is not whether there’s enough demand to support a bunch of balderdash startups,” said Warren Wallaby, head of the braggadocio research consulting firm the Seesaw Group. “At the moment there’s definitely a market for a range of bravado solutions.” The thing is, there’s no guarantee that the buzzword market won’t go soft at some point. “Health IT buyers have to be ruthless,” Wallaby says. “The day CIOs can get the same results from a few white lies and a little dissembling, these startups will be out of business.”
Note: This is a parody for those so inundated by buzzwords that it’s hard to tell.